Cersei's Bad Luck
by Aurora077
Summary: Tommen gets a new pet. What could possibly go wrong? (May include Jaime x Brienne in future and hint of past Jaime x Cersei)
1. Introducing Ser Pounce

Author's Note: Idk where this came from. It's really sort of crack. Let's see where it will go.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own A Song of Ice and Fire

* * *

"Aren't you a cutie," came a soft, feminine voice. The kitten opened his sleepy eyes. He saw a human peering at him through the bars of the cage he shared with his had long, wavy, brown hair and was looking at the kittens with a pleased smile. She turned her back to the cage and addressed an older human, "Grandma, I think I found the best present for Tommen. Look at these kittens. Aren't they just precious? I know he'll love them! We _have_ to get them."

The older human peered at the kittens in the cage. "Hmm I wonder," she contemplated, "Young Tommen does seem fond of kittens, but his mother may not be pleased."

"Pleeaaase Grandma?" begged the girl, "He'd be so happy to have them!"

"Oh don't think that means I disapprove Margaery dear," said the older human with an amused smile touching her lips, "We most certainly have to buy them now. It really is the perfect gift."

* * *

Tommen Baratheon was excited. It was his eight birthday and his mother was throwing him a party. He was happy to see all his friends and family, but mostly he was happy to see all the presents they brought him. His sister Myrcella said that she wouldn't let Joffrey steal them this time so he was in a great mood.

"Happy Birthday Tommen," came a sweet voice from behind him. He spun around quickly, and saw his friend Margaery standing there. "Thank you," he said to the older girl shyly. His cheeks pinked when she gave him a congratulatory hug and said, "I can't wait for you to see your present. I hope you like it." He couldn't wait either, but Margaery could give him a rock and he would love it.

The sound of someone clearing their throat reached his ears and he realised his mother was standing there frowning. "How nice to see you Margaery dear," she said stiffly, "Why don't you go sit at the table with the others, I'm sure they'll be delighted to see you, besides.."she turned to Tommen,"it's time to cut the cake."

A bright smile broke out on his face. After the cake was present time.

* * *

The kittens mewled softly. After the girl and her grandmother had paid to take the kittens, they found themselves being placed in a box with holes.

After what seemed like forever, the lid was removed and they saw a smiling, blond haired human looking down at them.

He gave a cry of joy and scooped up all three of them in his arms.

"Kitties!" he exclaimed. He snuggled the kittens and they squirmed in his grasp as he ran to his mother.

"Mother look what Margaery got me!" Tommen said, showing them to her. Cersei's eyes widened. Black kittens! That wretch Olenna had bought her son black kittens on his birthday! Oh she was most certainly going to have words with her. She knew the woman had it out for her and her family. Black cats were bad luck after all. She would not stand for being insulted this way.

"Tommen darling I'm afraid you can't keep them," Cersei started.

His excitement faded to confusion,"But why?"

How did she explain this to him? He was a sweet boy, he didn't understand that the kittens would bring them bad luck. To him they were just pets.

"Well, you have other pets don't you muffin? Mr. Puggles wouldn't like cats around the house. Dogs and cats don't get along you know," she tried to reason, "And kittens will eat Goldy and Golda."

"But..Joffrey flushed Goldy and Golda down the toilet. And he threw Mr. Puggles out of the attic window. Uncle Jaime took him to the pet doctor and the pet doctor said that Mr. Puggles went to heaven," Tommen replied with watery eyes.

Cersei sighed internally. How many times had she told Joff to leave his brother's pets alone? Now she had to find another excuse.

"Well don't you think it would be an insult to Mr. Puggles' memory if you kept cats as his replacement? He would be sad," she said.

"What seems to be the problem," said Olenna, who had come up behind Cersei so quietly that she jumped at her voice. "Why the long face? Don't you like them?" she said to Tommen.

"I love them but mummy says I can't keep them," he replied, his voice cracking at the end.

Then the horrible woman turned to Cersei,"What's the problem? The boy could do with some new pets. I heard what happened to his last ones. It would help take his mind off of it if he had new ones to play with."

Tommen nodded along,"Can I keep them please? I'll make sure they're good, I promise!" He looked at her with his innocent, childish eyes and she couldn't bring herself to forbid him from keeping them any longer.

"Okay darling," she relented, "You can keep them."

She glared at Olenna's triumphant look. She was sure those cats would bring her bad luck. And that's just what Olenna was hoping for, she knew it!

* * *

"Margaery," Tommen cried, waddling his way over to her still holding the squirming kittens,"Mummy said I could keep them." He grinned at her.

"So does this mean you like them," she said, smiling down at him.

"Yup, I love them very much," he said, putting the cats down at his feet, where they started chasing each other.

"Well, what are you going to call them then," said his sister, who was with Margaery before he got there.

"Hmm that one is going to be Boots, and the girl will be Lady Whiskers," he said, and looked at the last kitten. He was still thinking of a name when the kitten saw a leaf floating by and pounced on it. "Ah I got it! He'll be Ser Pounce," Tommen proclaimed proudly.


	2. Late

"Crap, I'm late!" Jaime said, with a worried look at his watch, "Cersei's going to kill me."

"Late? Brother, you've all but missed the entire thing," Tyrion said chuckling, with a hint of wicked glee in his eyes. Upsetting Cersei was a favorite pastime of his. Of course, Tyrion himself had only been invited because it was _Tommen's_ birthday and the little boy had insisted on his uncles being invited. But of course, Jaime was the only one Cersei would miss. She'd be quite satisfied if Tyrion never showed up.

Tyrion decided since Jaime was late, he'd just go to the party anyway instead of having Jaime drop him at the pub like he'd originally planned. Since the party was almost certainly over by now he would only have to greet Tommen and give him his present. Then he could be on his way away from the wicked witch of westeros. He grinned to himself; that was kind of catchy.

"What's so funny?" Jaime asked, as he stepped on the gas, just before the light turned red. He was more afraid of Cersei's lecture than a ticket. If he made it while the guests were still there, then at least he could make an escape before she could corner him alone to chew him out.

"Oh nothing in particular," Tyrion said, "Just imagining the look on Cersei's face when she see's your gift." A small white lie. Well, not entirely. He wasn't then, but he was now.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tommen, being occupied with his three new friends, the kittens, had completely forgotten about his uncles. But his mother certainly hadn't. She paced up and down, muttering to herself. " _Jaime I swear if you miss this party there'll be hell to pay_ ," she mumbled under her breath, " _I just know that little imp has something to do with th.._ aaaaaaaaah!"

She stumbled a bit and clutched her hands to her chest as Olenna appeared out of nowhere.

"Why so jumpy Cersei?" Olenna asked, a hint of a smile on her face, as she came up behind her.

Cersei hadn't even heard her approaching. _If you'd come up to me like a normal person and not like a thief in the night then maybe I wouldn't be so jumpy Olenna,_ Cersei thought. Outwardly she put on a smile and said, "Oh it's nothing, just waiting on the last guests to arrive."

"I was under the impression the party was almost over," Olenna remarked, "Why would guests be arriving now? There's already been lunch, cake, presents, and games. Was anything else on the schedule? Or is it perhaps, Robert you're waiting on?"

That sly vixen! How dare she bring up Robert. And today of all days! Cersei's face hardened, "Don't you think you should be leaving now Olenna, after all you're right, the schedule is complete. I should tell everyone the party's over."

"All right all right, no need to pitch a fit, I was only asking. He _is_ the boy's father after all, no matter how much of a messy divorce you might have had," Olenna said, moving fluidly past Cersei to make her way back to the children.

Oh she was cruel that woman. Cersei hated her with every fibre of her being. But there wasn't much she could do about it. She couldn't risk alienating the Tyrells. They had too much standing in society and she was already losing favour in those circles that were good with the Baratheons. Those wretched Starks already caused her countless headaches. The Starks already were on rocky terms with the Lannisters even before her divorce. And to make matters worse Joffrey was now going around with the elder Stark girl, Sansa. It seemed everyone around her made it their mission to make her life miserable.

She made an unladylike grunt and resumed her pacing, in an even fouler mood than before.

* * *

Jaime shivered as they were nearing the house. "What's the matter brother," Tyrion asked. "I just got the weirdest chill," Jaime replied.

"Seems like a bad omen to me. You sure you don't just want to drop these at the front door, ring the bell, and leave?" Tyrion queried.

Jaime glanced sideways at him, "You would surely love to attend my funeral wouldn't you?"

Tyrion guffawed, "No, not today, though I dare say I may have to whether I want to or not." They had gone up the gravel path that lead to the back of the house. Cersei was standing there, her arms on her hips, and flames in her eyes. Unnoticed behind her, a small black kitten poked it's head out through the open door, head cocked curiously.

"Uh oh, what do the Targaryens say about situations like this," Tyrion said contemplatively, "Ah, I've got it. I think you just woke the dragon."


	3. Mama Bear

Chapter 3

"And just what do you two think you're doing?" Brienne huffed, staring at the two guilty looking teenagers on the Starks' living room couch. Scratch that, only one of the pair looked guilty; the other just looked smug and a tad bit irritated. The two 16 year olds separated reluctantly.

"I..it wasn't what it looked like," Sansa stammered out, "I swear! I..I had an eyelash in my eye and Joffrey was just helping me get it out."

The girl was a bad liar.

"C'mon Sans, we don't have to make excuses for this cow," Joffrey smirked, "It was exactly what it looked like."

Sansa looked like she was sorely tempted to hit him. Brienne knew the feeling, albeit for a different reason than Sansa.

"Yes, you don't have to make excuses for _me_ Joffrey Lannister," Brienne said stiffly, "But you'll certainly have to for Mr. and Mrs. Stark." She turned to Sansa, "You know you're not supposed to be alone with him unless you're in a public place. I didn't expect this from you Sansa, you're usually well behaved."

Brienne had just come over to the house to drop off some papers for Catelyn Stark, who told her she could use the spare key as she was still at the University. She hadn't expected to find anyone at home. But there was Sansa, who was supposed to be at Jeyne Poole's house, cuddling on the couch with Joffrey Lannister instead. Well, cuddling was putting it mildly.

Sansa deflated. "Please don't tell mum and dad," she begged, "I didn't mean to, only Joff didn't want to stay at his brother's birthday party because he said it was for children and he picked me up from Jeyne's house and asked to hang out. It wasn't planned or anything I swear! I'll be grounded forever if you tell them! Please Brienne, just this once and it won't happen again?"

Brienne sighed, it was true that Sansa was usually well behaved but that Joffrey was bad news, she just knew it. Sansa promised just the once but she noticed Joffrey hadn't and she was sure he'd pull something like that again. But she believed Sansa this time and she was rather fond of the girl so she decided she'd let it go.

"Fine Sansa, I'll hold you to that," she said as Sansa's face brightened, "But, you have to let me take Joffrey home now. You've spent enough time with him for today seeing as he shouldn't have even been here."

Sansa was so relieved she just nodded and smiled, though Joffrey scowled. "And what makes you think I'm going anywhere with you?" he sneered.

"If you want to keep your girlfriend then you'll most certainly be coming with me," Brienne said, "Now give me the keys, I'll drive you home. As far as I'm aware you don't have permission to drive after that accident you caused, though I don't doubt your mother will make excuses for you as usual."

Joffrey grumbled but acquiesced.

* * *

 _Tyrion was right_ , Jaime thought as Cersei stormed up to the car with fire in her eyes.

"Oh boy, here we go," mumbled Tyrion.

Jaime stepped out of the car. _A brave move_ , thought Tyrion, who had no desire to have Cersei turn her wrath on him and wisely decided to stay in the car.

"Hey sis," Jaime said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head, "Where's the birthday boy?"

Cersei couldn't believe the nerve of him. " _Where's the birthday boy?_ " she hissed, "You miss his party and yet still you dare to ask where he is? He's saying goodbye to everyone Jaime, that's where he is!"

She glared at him some more. Jaime didn't know how to respond to that, and thought that if she glared any harder her eyes might pop out and start rolling down the path.

"You know how much he loves you. He wanted you specifically here to share his special day. He was so upset when you didn't show up that he didn't even enjoy his cake. And you know how much he loves cake," she groused, changing tactics when she saw anger wasn't getting her much further than a silent Jaime.

"Come now Cersei, as far as I see it, Tommen was so preoccupied with his gifts he didn't have much time to dwell on missing uncles," came the voice of that harpy, Olenna.

She turned on her then. "Do you mind, this is a family discussion," she said, voice like a whip.

"Oh by all means, do carry on," said Olenna, the corner of her lips twitching as if she would dearly like to laugh, "I'm sure you have much to discuss. In fact, I think Margaery and I will be leaving now. She doesn't get along very well with dear Joffrey I'm afraid."

Olenna went back to the party area to fetch Margaery.

* * *

Ah, Joffrey. He was a safe topic to talk about at the moment. Or so Jaime hoped. "What happened? Did Joff and Margaery have a falling out?" he asked.

"What? No, don't be ridiculous Jaime, Joff would never behave so badly. Especially not when we have company. Besides, Olenna was just saying that to rile me up. Joff isn't even here, he said Renly was taking him to the movies so I let him go because I figured he wouldn't be very interested in a kids party at sixteen," her eyes went misty for a moment, "My boys are growing up."

"Really Cersei? Renly did you say?" said Tyrion, making both Jaime and Cersei jump.

Jaime didn't even hear him get out of the car. Cersei's eyes narrowed, " _You!_ I thought for once you'd do the right thing and make yourself scarce. Tommen doesn't need your bad influence around him."

Tyrion smirked. Oh this was going to be good. Cersei had no idea what was coming did she?

"Well sister dearest, I only came to wish the boy a happy birthday and to drop off his present. I can do that can't I? Besides with Olenna gone he's going to need an adult supervising him, since you'll be a little preoccupied," Tyrion said lightly.

"And what pray tell, would I be so preoccupied with, that I'd leave my son with you?" Cersei spat out.

"Oh I believe it's coming up the driveway right about now," he said, smirking as a car came into view.

* * *

Brienne drove Joffrey home, and was eternally grateful that the boy seemed to be pouting fiercely, yet silently, rather than baiting her.

She had texted Tyrion, since she knew Jaime might have been driving, to let him know the situation and that she was coming to the house with Joffrey. Hopefully one of them would mention it to Cersei. Heavens knows she didn't want to arrive at Cersei Lannister's house unannounced. The woman hated her enough as it was.

She pulled into the driveway, only to see a furious looking Cersei and a confused Jaime.

"Tyrion hasn't told them then," she muttered, resigned to the fact that she was going to have to deal with the brat's equally bratty mother.

"Well, we're here," she told the boy, who grunted as he got out of the car. "It's like willingly walking into a bear pit," she murmured to herself, as she got out as well, ready to face Mama Bear.


	4. The imp

Chapter 4

"I knew it! I knew it dammit!" Cersei exclaimed, as her brother's beastly friend stepped out of the car.

The brute looked confused, "You knew I was driving him home?"

"No you imbecile, I knew those black cats from that witch Olenna would bring me all sorts of bad luck. The imp is in my house, supervising my child. And now I have _you_ besmirching my house with your ghastly presence," Cersei said hotly.

Jaime shot her a glare. "There's no need to be rude, Cersei," he said stiffly.

"Well she didn't say anything wrong did she?" Joffrey said, as his mother glared right back at his uncle.

Cersei, busy agreeing with Joff, didn't see the pointed look Brienne gave him.

Joff didn't miss it however and decided he'd better go harass Tommen for his gifts before his mother could ask him where Renly was. Except, unluckily for him, Jaime didn't miss the look either.

...

Brienne felt her face turn red from embarrassment and anger. She took a deep breath to calm herself. It wasn't worth getting riled up for the likes of Cersei and her progeny. And the boy better keep his mouth shut before she accidentally let it slip where he'd been. But she reminded herself that she promised Sansa she wouldn't and for Sansa's sake she forced down her ire.

Jaime gave her a questioning look and she mouthed _later_ to him.

...

She may have agreed to tell him the story later, but Jaime wasn't in the mood to let Joff get away scot free. Besides, if Cersei was concerned about Joff she'd leave him alone.

"So, Joff," he started, as the boy was about to sneak past them, "How was the movie?"

The boy looked at him wide-eyed. "It was good," he forced out.

"Oh really, what was it about? I was considering watching one myself this weekend," Jaime said.

"Um..uh..it was.." he started, but was saved from answering by his mother who finally realised the implications of Brienne being there rather than Renly.

"Wait a minute. What happened to Renly?" she asked him.

He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Jaime gave a satisfactory smirk.

...

Joffrey knew he needed to come up with a cover story, and fast. His mother would be angrier that he was with Sansa than that he took the car. But he didn't care that she didn't like Sansa. Sansa was hot. And he was sure she could be easily persuaded to...see things his way. If only his uncle's ugly friend hadn't interrupted.

"Uh Renly," he said and his was ashamed to hear his voice crack slightly, "Renly...um he..."

And then it came to him.

"He had a last minute modelling gig!" Joff said, smiling now that he had a viable excuse, "I already had the movie ticket so I just went by myself." He was glad his uncle had such a hectic career. It made the lie come easier. And it certainly helped that his mother knew that it was possible from her own past as a model.

...

Brienne heard the name Renly and flinched. She had long since gotten over him but it was still a sore spot for her. She couldn't believe she'd been so foolish when it came to him. But still she composed herself and tried to back up the boy's lie, for Sansa's sake.

"That's right, I saw him there after the movie and I knew he wasn't supposed to be driving the car so I offered to take him home," she said.

Cersei turned to look at her, her eyes narrowed as if trying to pick apart the story. Finally she just seemed to accept it, as Brienne knew she would because Cersei let the boy get away with everything and Brienne had given her the perfect excuse to turn a blind eye.

Cersei cleared her throat, "I suppose that's fine then."

Brienne knew that's the closest thing to 'Thank You' that she would get from the woman.

...

Cersei turned to scrutinise Joff, just to make sure he was in one piece. Who knew how the beast drove after all.

Satisfied that he was okay she turned back to Brienne.

"Well, you've done your duty and delivered him safe and sound. You can leave now," and with that she turned up her nose and walked into the back yard to rescue her Tommen from the imp.


End file.
